The one thing that we cannot forget especially as parents and really single parents who are focused on their children is that we have a life outside of them.
I know I know. All hell is about to break open because I admitted that I have a life outside of the people I carried for nine months a piece if not more inside of me. I am not ashamed to admit that I have something else outside of my kids.
Recently in my older more mature age I have had to make some decisions that will affect the rest of my life. Because of career choices I never really thought about marriage or a long term relationship. I just kind of went with the flow of things. Now things are different. I am older, I am realizing that one day these children are going to grow up and have a life of their own. They are all exhibiting that now through school, day care and other activities.
So I thought it was ok to begin seeing people. Now I don't believe in having people around my children that have no intention of being there for the long term I will say that but I started experiencing a great emotional attachment to one of my shall I say "beaus".
After an evening of talking and dinner and discussions on life I surmised that this person may not be in the best interest of my future nor my family since I am the Mamma and I am ruler of all in this domain.
I immediately took it upon myself to run to the store and buy a box of chocolate truffles and a bottle of champagne. Aaah what a rare occasion but this warranted a major pity party of the greatest kind.
I promptly pulled out my champagne glass, got my box of truffles, turned on a mix of Will Downing, Chrisette Michelle, Luther Vandross, Anita Baker, NDambi and a host of others and just laid back in my easy chair in the dark.
Pondering over the evening events with my door to my space in the house closed, I needed to clear my head and say that it was ok to have feelings and emotions, I got my big girl panties on so they say and I was going to have my pity party tonight, enjoy these truffles and my champagne, listen to my soft love music about heartache and pain and joy and laughter, and feeling love and sex and mad passion and all of that.
I took a bite of a truffle and let the smooth texture hit my tongue and linger on there for a second as I sipped the champagne.
Woe is me set in and the passion and emotions of the feelings of being in this place of making grown folk decisions and being ok with that set in. So I grabbed another truffle and sipped some more getting into the music as Maxwell said "Submerge into the light...." I was in that zone man where its just you, your emotions, your thoughts about whom ever or whatever. I am sitting there in the dark leaning back into the music,... just deep off in it. The champagne is easing some of the pain and making me relax a bit about my decision and my thoughts. I almost forget just for a moment that I am 40 with 4 as I call it. Then I get a wake up call.
All of a sudden in the midst of me being in my feelings I hear my door open, the light flicks on and I hear this,
"Mother, I know you don't want to hear this but ........I really need a bra. Do you uuuugh think you can buy me some tomorrow?"
I heard the sound of a record scratching as that sentence broke through the sound of love songs dancing in that room. It was Lili the flat chested seven year old saying she needs a bra. At 9 o'clock at night she was demanding my attention for what of course was ridiculous and unnecessary. I didn't say anything. I just looked around her to see a tiny hand reach up on my end table and grab the entire box of truffles and walk out.
KJ had just taken my entire box of sorrow soaking pieces of softness and walked out with them without even so much as a "thank you mother"!
I sat up fully and Lili was still sitting there looking at me peering through her glasses at me waiting for a response. I just dropped my head.
My pity party was over, there was no more room that day for me to indulge in a quiet spot for myself. I have been invaded by little people that have no concern or desire to know that I have a life outside of them. I am ok with that.
It just made me realize once again that yes I am a human being, I am a woman, a student, a business professional, I am a friend but you know what I am before anything else? Mamma. I chuckle at the thought because while I am needing to feel the connection with a person that is the same height or is taller than me my children see only me, desire to only be near me, follow me, look to me even in my times of need for their own.
I get out my easy chair and just go back to work because at this point the party was over and my chocolate truffles were being devoured by two little people in front of a series of SpongBob and iCarly.
What a wonderful world.....
Til Next Time.
Mamma (Y've)
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