Update On My Reality

Well this is my reality that I will be writing about today. No no no, don't turn away from my page now, cause this is as brutal as it gets.
I'm going to give you some truth cause right now living the clouds is just so not working for me right now.
I am working on trying to pursue my purpose on this planet. In one way or another I think we are all searching for this meaning of life or why we are here.
Before I had my life altering experience earlier this year I was like that but now my desire is much stronger and I feel like I am racing against the clock literally.
I sent a text screaming if you will to my sweetheart who is on the ship. Whining was what I was doing saying how hard this was, or what was I doing, what was the meaning of life or what was I doing?
I mean we all have those days where nothing is adding up nothing makes sense in life and you are just aimlessly going through each day existing not living.
Let me explain. Cause you are probably wondering what in the world I am talking about.
Since I am still in recovery physically, I have not been able to take on much in terms of extra work which is a bummer in more ways than one. But it has past taken a toll on my finances with red notes and letters and calls.
So I was at my wit's end the other day. So I got in my car after I closed down my store which truth be told has wilted, and drove and drove and drove cause there was nothing else that I could do. I did not want to keep calling on someone to bail me out but this was it I had to talk to someone or I was going to burst. No just for the money but just to ask "When does this merry go round end?"
Now at anytime that you want to read happy blogs go ahead. I just want to keep it real because I know that some of you that read my posts are looking for someone they can relate to or just want someone to tell them the truth about how it really is out here when you are trying to do it for yourself.
So back to my story. I decide to go to Bible study. You want the truth? It was no help at all. I asked myself and prayed out loud, "So what is this all about? Where is my breakthrough? What in the world am I doing? Am I really doing what I am supposed to do? Since I survived why am I still making the same mistakes and if I'm not making mistakes then when do I see the results of my work? When?"
Yeah ok make me think I am the only one that has this thought or thoughts? I know I'm not.
Well I made it through the day and then the next and the next. Today I am still seeking answers to what I asked.
Why won't I just give up? Why won't I just cut my losses and pack my children up and move away to a city that will appreciate my education and my skills and my talents and my vision and pay me handsomely for it rather than remaining in this tiny town?
This tiny voice in me says to keep going. The tiny voice says you did hear correctly, you are on the right track, you WILL see the breakthrough, and you must complete this assignment or you will repeat this again no matter where you go. So stay here and make it work for you. Because it will if you faint not.
So here I am looking crazy typing this and looking at where I am physically. But then I think about where I am mentally and spiritually. I am further along than I have ever been. I am bolder, stronger, wiser, smarter, more in tune with what is around me and in me in terms of business and clients and life and all that. So in that I am better. But you know what I am talking about right? Now that I am there, ha how funny I should say that. But now that I am there in that place and space. Now it must manifest itself from that part of me that is in me to the real world. As long as I continue to go forward with the passion that I have for my dream I will see it.
It will show up in my bank account, my living arrangement will change, what I wear will change, how I look will change what I drive will change. It will get better.
A friend of mine said that its not that I am doing it for naught, it is because I am in reconstruction, and since that is the case, everything will look a mess until the dust settles.
So right now I still lean on my sweetheart but that is soon to change and the tables will turn. This is GOING to work.

Thanks for letting me vent!

Til next time,

Mamma