Sometimes in this motherhood thing you believe that you are being taken for granted by all. Now I know I am not alone in this though. Husbands, significant others, partners, friends and children all believe that we are a mainstay.
They believe that without a doubt Mamma will always be there.
This weekend that just passed I attended the funeral of a friend who worked with me on the Juneteenth Committee. As a matter of fact she was a founding member. She also was a Master Cosmetologist and Lili's HIPPY teacher. Joyce was very instrumental in me pushing for her not to be tagged or labeled as a child with learning disabilities. With her help I won that battle and Lili started kindergarten on time.
While the weekend otherwise was uneventful, I began to think about what it would be like if I with all of the things that I do, if I just up and was no longer here, would my children notice, would my hunny notice, would others?
I thought and thought about it all weekend long as I went about buying the kids winter clothing and paying bills online and working at the swap meet, and blogging and meeting with my business partners about the next events and doing something in Atlanta in 2009. (That was a lot right?) I didn't even mention basic household stuff either like laundry, groceries and other things which got done.
So now its Monday morning and I had been up all night long for no apparent reason but to be up thinking.
I just wanted to see for myself. So I decided to disappear. I packed my laptop for working, I packed my clothes, I called Kevin who was in New Orleans on his way home from the ship and left a message. There has a been an emergency and I need you to come home soon as the kids will be here alone. I left a message on the refrigerator next to Imani's football schedule and hung other items for her to see. "I will be out of range, call Kevin as soon as you see this message I have an emergency, I will call later".
I know what you are thinking, "You just up and left the kids like that?" I sure did as Imani is old enough to legally be in charge while I am gone.
"You did it on a school day?". I sure did they interrupt my life all the time one day wouldn't kill them.
Lets start with my hunny first. He calls back and you could hear the anger in his voice. Not much for talking at 4:30 in the morning either but he said he would be home by afternoon. He asked if I had left KJ's car seat, "uh no figure it out" is what I wanted to say. With my comments on an emergency and nothing further, no questions were asked he just said ok and hung up the phone.
I drive off in the dark watching my neighborhood slowly become a dot. I make a stop for a breakfast sandwich as the line of day and night could be seen meeting each other in the change of shifts on the horizon.
I could hear the hustle and bustle of the trucker as they gassed up for their long drives and saw people getting ready for work and school.
I am now on my way to......... hell.... who knows where but I needed to get away. Clear my mind regain a sense of self away from what is a normal life where somehow I have just become the cook, the buyer, the waiting and doting wife who sits quietly while you are on and off the ship with lags in between. I am the bill payer, I am the community activist, the business owner, the speaker, the person with only one name, "Mamma". Or the person that is always conveniently available with no thought for my well being or my emotional status throughout the day.
So again I am driving I am now about 75 miles away from the house and counting as the black turns to blue black and I drive in silence thinking about what it was like when my own mother was no longer there, or thinking about when I heard that Joyce has passed away at home from a bout with cancer that kept returning. Funny she kept going too, she smiled and always smiled in her sickness she smiled as she continued to take her father to dialysis, and come to Juneteenth meetings, and take care of grand kids and children who had moved back home and were not working. Her husband and she were off and on but more on than off and he was home again now. Overall a good life and one with a sense of direction all her own. I dig that.
I park my car in a dark portion of a parking lot and lean back and fall asleep. I am now closer to the state capital.
When I awake from a vibrating phone I think "Let me call it's 7:15"
No answer at home. I call again, no answer, I call again and again and again, no answer.
I start the car and head back towards the house. Only one thing could have happened. I am such a mainstay in the house that no one noticed I was gone. No one noticed that my car was not in the driveway and that Lili and Imani were at school or on their way already.
I was not missed I was not even noticed until people are hungry, need clothes or money for activities or events.
My thoughts were correct. When I finally get home, KJ is asleep alone, the note I posted on the refrigerator near the football schedule in bold yellow, never touched or noticed.
I take my bags out of the car and slide into bed as I am groggy still and need to think this through.
No one noticed I was gone and Kevin is annoyed I bothered his slumber when in all reality his car problems are over and he should have been home instead of recovering from a car and truck show.
I figured out why too, I am the enabler in this family. I am here to watch babies and pay bills I am here to take kids to and from recitals and events, I am the one that enables this family to be fluid and be comfortable at my expense.
Hmmmmmm I don't think that I am liking this very much but it's true. My family is taking advantage of me and what it takes to run this house/home and do it seamlessly.
This story has a comedic lining to it in that I was not noticed even after I took the tooth paste out of the house. I was not noticed even when my big red car was not outside and my laptop was missing from it's usual spot.
I was saddened by the days events. But enlightened because it is official Mamma needs a break and a vacation from it all. I need to see Vegas, or Maui hell Timbuktu alone. With no noses or asses to wipe no kids to cook for or significant other who is gone more than he is home working.
This stayed on my mind all day and as I went to pick up Lili she said "Mother, Lili and KJ ate all the black and white cookies. I think we need to go to the store to pick up more so I can have some"
So off we went to get black and white creme cookies, cause she sure as hell couldn't take herself and right now I'm all she's got. I'll take a vacation,...just not today.
Til next time
Mamma
No comments:
Post a Comment